He’s Withdrawing! How Do I Bring Him Close Again?
A very common scenario that almost all women deal with is when they feel like the man in their life is starting to withdraw.
Here’s a message that I received today from Sarah:
“Dear Shahrzad, thank you so much for always giving me advice that puts my mind at ease and helps me feel centered in my relationship. Whenever I follow your work, everything magically falls into place and my husband starts to treat me with more care and love. For that I’m always thankful to you. But recently, he has started to have some work issues and he is not talking to me about it. In fact, he’s always quite, and the more I ask him to talk to me, the more he looks irritated by me. What do I do? Aren’t we supposed to be partners and share our problems with each other? It’s been one week now and I’m starting to get scared that he doesn’t view me as a good partner who he can trust. Please help me. Thanks so much,
I first want to say: I totally hear you. I have been where you are, and I know how powerless a woman can feel in this situation.
I was the girl who would go on saving mode the minute I felt my man was pulling away because he was having issues. And when I didn’t know what the issue was, I would right away start to think: “it must be me, what did I do wrong? Is he tired of me?”
That’s what insecurity does – it always tries to make every yucky situation about us.
The truth is, when a man is starting to pull away, what a woman instinctively wants to do is to start chasing him. She wants to make sure that her relationship is safe. She wants to close this gap by getting answers from him.
So in different scenarios of men pulling away, she starts chasing him by taking the following actions:
She keeps asking him what’s wrong?
She texts, calls, drops by at his place and tries to close the physical gap.
She explains to him that he needs to talk to her so she could help.
She initiates sex with him.
She does all sorts of sweet things for him.
And the more she does these things – the more she moves towards him – the more he will move away from her. Just like Sarah described in her e-mail. Her husband gets more quiet and more irritated.
In most cases, a man might even vocalize this: I need some space.
And that’s when the fear really starts to rise up inside the woman.
In that situation she more than ever wants to connect with him, or even tell him off.
Now let me first answer Sarah’s email:
Men are not women!
We women love to talk about our problems. We feel so soothed by sharing our issues, sympathizing with each other, listening and giving each other hugs, and we instantly feel better.
Your man, however, is nothing like that. Men do not like to talk about their problems. This is how they deal with it:
1. They need some quiet time and space to first get over their feelings of anger/frustration/desperation.
2. They think of a solution
3. They resolve the issue
4. They feel back to normal and close the gap
Problem solving is a prime masculine energy.
Not only he doesn’t appreciate you wanting to solve his issue – he resents it. He feels emasculated by a woman who is simply telling him: I don’t trust that you can solve your own problem, so I need to help you!
Although your intentions are nothing like that; that is the message that he’s receiving and, he therefore pulls farther away from you.
So what can you do in ANY situation when a man is pulling away from you?
If he’s showing or telling you that he needs space, the first thing you must do is to exactly do that. You have to allow him to have all the space that he needs. You have to give up your urge of wanting to close the gap and be at peace with the silence.
You need to create even MORE space: If he’s taking one step back, this means you take two steps back. This is the most powerful thing you can do. You are not doing this to play games, but you’re giving him what he needs in his relationship: He needs to be the one pursuing you. So not only you stop to chase and try to get him to come towards you; you turn around and put your focus 100% on yourself. You start to catch up on your favorite TV show, cook yourself healthy meals, go to yoga classes, start decluttering your closet – trust me – you can find 100s of things to do that have nothing to do with him.
You trust that whatever the issue is, he can solve it, and he’ll come back to you IF he’s the right man for you.
You receive him warmly when he does come back. This means, you don’t blame him for taking the time and space that he needed; and you tell him how happy you feel that he’s coming closer to you. Don’t make the mistake of shutting down or lash out at him which will push him back again.
When you give a man space, you set yourself apart from any woman that he’s met in his life. This applies to a man who has even broken up with you too. When you don’t start running after him the minutes he’s walking away, trying to convince him why he should be with you, he’ll be shocked and will re-think if he just made a huge mistake.
You can get your power back so quickly if you follow the steps above. Giving him this, will bring him closer faster than you can ever imagine.
P.S. For my daily relationship advice and to get my answers to your burning questions, jump in and join my private Facebook group: Fully Adored Queens