How Feeling Attached to your Desire Keeps it Away


A lovely reader wrote to me few days ago (let’s call her Jess):

 “Shahrzad, I’ve read your guide, I read your posts every day, I try to remain open and positive, do the tools, meditate, write in my gratitude journal, but it’s been 3 months, and none of the guys in my circular dating pool are stepping up. Some of them fizzle out, and some of them ask me why don’t I ever call them first and accuse me of not caring, and I still hear the words “I’m not ready for anything serious”. I’m losing hope. What am I doing wrong? Can you please help?”

You won’t believe how often I hear this concern, and I completely understand how frustrating it can be. And so I decided to post my answer (in details) for all my readers because I’m sure we can all use some guidance when it comes to manifestation and what blocks it.

So here is my answer to Jess: 

I first want to congratulate you for making such an amazing commitment and adding all these positive changes to your life Jess. I hope you’re proud of yourself.

Secondly, I do get your frustration, and you’ll be glad to know that I can tell you exactly why you’re not seeing the results that you want.

Now let me start by asking you a question:

Why are you taking all these steps?

Is it because you desperately want to attract a man and keep him? Is manifesting him the sole purpose of doing this work?


You you meditate, journal, read self-help material, do the tools, because you know they are good for your well-being, and you’d continue to do them no matter what?


Please take a moment and think about this

Because if you’re only doing the improvements because you’re attached to the outcome (which is getting a man), then this is how your mind is working: “I need to meditate and quiet my mind. I need to flip my nasty voices to positive thoughts. I need to journal and do affirmations, and circular date, because if I don’t then I will never have the man of my dreams. I must do them all.”

Can you feel how this mindset screams fear? Do you notice that it’s telling you to do something to GET something in return?

Jess, how can we create something as beautiful as soulmate love based on fear? We cannot.

That’s not how the universe works.

I know you started doing the tools and this work, BECAUSE you wanted to manifest the relationship of your dreams. However, by now I know you can tell these positive changes affect all aspects of your life. They are not just meant for attracting men.

And here’s the thing when it comes to attraction (and this applies to attracting EVERYTHING: love, money, good health,…etc)

When we are attached to the outcome; meaning, our happiness depends on manifesting something specific and we are working hard to get it, we are constantly aware of its lack. When you wake up every day thinking: “Here are the things I have to do in order to manifest the relationship of my dreams”, you are focusing on its lack of presence in your life.

And as you focus your energy on something (in this case lack), that lack gets bigger and persists to exist

So what does one do? Stop desiring the dream relationship? Absolutely not!

You’re already doing so great Jess, and we just need to make a few tweaks in how you’re approaching your dream.

I want you think about this: what if you did all that you do from a place of knowing and trust? What if you meditated, journaled, applied my tools, and practiced attitude of gratitude, because they just make you SO much better compared to when you don’t do them? What if you just knew while you’re in the process of healing your past pains and triggers, the right man will show up, and EVEN if he wasn’t going to (which is not true, because he will), you would still continue to live a lifestyle that consists of healthy habits?

And when you answer is YES, I’d do them regardless; you instantly shift your mindset from being goal-oriented to process-oriented. When you no longer look at this inner-work as tasks that need to be done, but you joyfully do them, because they are SO good for your soul, then it will no longer feel like hard work. You’ll stop rushing to check them off your to do list, and you look forward to doing them.

And then Jess, that’s when the manifestation happens. He’ll show up.

So the key here is to become process-oriented, and forget about the final goal.

There is no final goal. This is going to be your LIFE from now on.

So there is my answer to Jess, and to all the ladies who are struggling with the same issue:

You’re attached to the outcome. I know it’s hard not to be. But I want you to realize that this way of living and embodying your feminine energy is not solely for the purpose of attracting the love life that you want, it’s just your new healthy way of living. Him showing up is just a bonus that comes with it.




Shahrzad Shukra