The Danger of Feeling & Giving Into Urgency In Relationships

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Yesterday something happened that stirred up number of emotions in me: worry, anger, sadness, relief, and inspired to share this story. 

A client of mine messaged me sounding so excited and urgent because a man who had disappeared on her for a week had just reappeared and texted her.

Every word in her message screamed URGENCY to me!

“Shahrzad, it’s an emergency! He just wrote to me! He only wrote one sentence though! What do I do? How should I answer? Or should I not answer at all? Oh I’m hurting”

I felt a bit stunned!

I asked her: “What is this feeling of urgency darling? So what if he messaged you! I mean it’s great, BUT why are you calling it an emergency? Why are you losing your mind over this? Take a step back and before sending ANYTHING back to him, let’s look within you and see where is all of this coming from?” 

I was surprised when I didn’t hear anything back from her for hours!

And when she did message me, my heart sank as I opened the chat box and there she was… lying in a hospital bed with a cervical collar around her neck… It felt like something reached inside my chest and pinched my heart.

She had a car accident. She hit a car from behind. Thankfully, she wasn’t that hurt and she didn’t hurt anybody… But what if she had?

After making sure that she wasn’t badly hurt, I felt a bit relieved.

And then I sat down because I couldn’t help but to feel so mad.

I remember I used to be like her in the past.

Why do so many women do this to themselves?

Why do they allow another person’s behavior to have such a huge impact on them that they lose COMPLETE control. I can just imagine my client when she was driving and received that message, she completely lost all her senses. All she could think about was how she should do everything in this moment so perfectly, because if she didn’t, she might lose him!

These are the thoughts that go through our heads when we feel fearful and urgent: What do I say to him? What do I not say to him? How long until I reply back so he doesn’t think I’m desperate? But I also don’t want to wait for too long because what if he thinks I’m not interested? 

And all this time, she forgets the most important thing – herself.

Why is it that the minute a man decides to come back, her world turns upside down and she forgets that she needs to pay attention to her driving? Why is that man SO important that she puts her own life and the life of others at risk?

Because she’s scared if she doesn’t do everything by the book, she will lose him

If she doesn’t say the right thing, if she doesn’t message on time, if she doesn’t play her cards right, he will walk away.

So she gets so very urgent – and giving into urgency is so toxic.

Urgency and fear make us act all crazy. We lose sleep. We risk our safety. We start stalking. We start think of 400 different strategies to make him stay.

It makes us to completely lose touch with ourselves, feel scattered and try to control things on the outside, while we are a mess on the inside.

It doesn’t work that way. Not only it doesn’t work, it creates a mess on the outside too.

Life was kind to her because the damages weren’t severe. And don’t get me wrong, life is always kind because the intention is ALWAYS to teach you a valuable lesson.

And her lesson (and maybe yours too) is: Be present in the moment and put your entire attention on what’s right in front of you AT ALL TIMES. Value yourself enough to not get disconnected and out of control the moment someone else does something to your liking (or to your dislike). Your job is to feel the urgency when it comes up, yet DO NOT give in to it. When the feeling of urgency comes up, instead of looking in your head for the answers, the first question that needs to come to you is: where is this feeling of urgency coming from? Why do I have this urge to do something now? What am I afraid of happening if I don’t take an action right away?

And get quiet, and LISTEN to the answer that comes to you.

Instead of trying to be perfect for another, be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself. Everything and everyone else can wait until you’re done with what you’re doing!

So much love and light to all of you! Please be safe!

Love,

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Shahrzad Shukra